So here I sit with all these thoughts swirling in my head, and so I thought what better why to get them organized then to write a long over due blog. Lately I have been thinking a lot about being in control. For those of you who know me well you are laughing because you know that I really really like to have a grip on what is going on. I would not say that I am a super control freak but I sure like to get my way!
Since having childern I am learning that this is just not always possible, especially since said kids are growing and forming their own options on matters. I can not make them like something. I can not make them understand something their small years don't allow. This lack of control is not only with my childern it is with all humans, dogs, cats, stupid magpies, and weather...not to mention a million other things. My need for being in charge mixed with the realization that I am not has made me fearful. I worry now. I worry about all the what ifs. I worry about protecting every move my childern make because I am fearful that something is going to happen that I am not going to be in control of and they are going to get hurt. So if I can just keep one step ahead then I can keep them from pain. But guess what...I never feel like I am one step ahead. I am never good enough. In my mind I just can't make sense why crap happens and I can't seem to keep them from happening. But it is slowing sinking in...I can't control everything because I am not God. I do not rule the wind and the seas, let alone the births and deaths of people I love or me for that matter. I am not God. I am not capable of seeing the big picture. I only get to see the small chunk that is my life, my feelings, my actions. And boy do I sometimes make a mess of things. I flip out. I run to the Lord all in an uproar just like the disciples did when they where on turbulent seas. What is my Lord doing while I freak? He is resting in the knowledge that He IS one step ahead. He knows the details, not just of this moment but the next million moments.
OK so I grew up with a Father who is a recovering alcoholic. I spent a lot of time around other recovering alcoholics. I went to a lot of Alcoholics Anonymous functions, and one thing they always use to say was the serenity prayer. When I was younger I didn't really understand the meaning of this prayer and how profound it was. For those of you that don't know this prayer it goes like this.
"Lord grant me serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference."
Wow. There it is. It clicked in my head. It has been a long time coming but I am slowly getting it. I CAN'T CHANGE EVERYTHING! I have a choice to calmly and faithfully accept the unchangeable, or rant about it. One is going to give peace and serenity and one is going cause discord and chaos within me. I can't change car accident, plane crashes, drownings, close calls, illness, stupid people, or even root maggots. But I can change me and how I allow myself to react about all these things. This all reminds me of a book I have read...
So while I was VERY pregnant with Brahm my mother-in-love gave me a book entitled "Keep a quiet heart" by Elizabeth Elliot. Well me being me and the elevated hormone level, I took it as she was trying to tell me not to be so forthcoming with my thoughts and opinions, so I put it on the book shelf and never looked at it. I would like to say I got over it shortly and finally picked it up and it changed my life, but that is not the case. I left it on that shelf for years. Well just about a year ago I moved my bookshelf and come across it again, and now having got over myself, I started to read. Upon reading I realized that it wasn't about sitting down and shutting up it was about trusting and resting in the fact that God is God. To not let the things of this world trouble your heart but hold tight to the fact that my Lord has, like it says in Psalms 16:5, assigned me my portion and cup, and has made my lot secure. I can calm the waters of my heart with the knowledge that God has it worked out. It boils down to this...I can control how I react to each situation whether I can control it or not. There can be arm flailing, kicking, and screaming or I can chose to have a quiet heart because I know that I have nothing to fear. I can face the facts and do what I have to do to change what I can. I can react with confidence that my lot is made secure. I know to whom I belong. So it is all about choices...my choices and my reactions. So from now on I am praying that God will give me the wisdom to discern between the changeable and unchangeable, as well as the insight to "keep a quiet heart". Now that this is all written and out of my brain I don't know if it makes any sense but least it is out of my brain and written just in case I need a reminder...which I am sure I will.
